Devin vs. A Surfboard

Battle Royale:

In the right corner donning a mustard suit and hailing from Salisbury Maryland; the Fuhrer of Furious, the Shah of Scro, and the Sultan of Shmeeb: Devin "when I say I'm going to Costa Rica I mean I'm going to New York" Otway.

In the left corner, a surfboard.

Surfboard: Excellent swimmer. __________Devin: Requires floaties.
Surfboard: Is a whopping 72 inches in height. Devin: Is smaller than a bread box.
Surfboard: Is a surfboard. __________Devin: Is a shmeeb.
Surfboard: Is ridden almost daily. __Devin: Hasn't been ridden in months.
Surfboard: Rides waves like it's it's job. _____Devin: Doesn't have a job.
Surfboard: Is sporting a new coat of wax. ___Devin: Is sporting a mustard suit.
Surfboard: Is related to millions of other surfboards. _Devin: Has a hot sister.
Surfboard: Is "finding" itself on the coast. ___Devin: Didn't come to Costa Rica.
Surfboard: Is a surfboard. ______________Devin: Is a condiment.
Surfboard: Is a surfboard.________Devin: Didn't come to Costa Rica.

And the winner is:........................(the dots are meant to be a drum roll)............................................................by a landslide, through sheer force of gnarliness, we are stoked to bestow victory to.................Devin Otway, for gutsy execution of the condiment costume.